The Autocide Translated

The Autocide that Never Happened

as Narrated by Triplepod

Ego (I) was ambulating cata (walking down) the street, when a dicephalous [di + cephalo] (two-headed) macrofauna (large animal) came up to me. He was allomorphic (shaped differently) from omni (all) of the allo bicephalous macrofauna (other two-headed large animals) that I have seen in that this bicephalously macro fauna (two-headed large animal) had hexapods (six feet) instead of the normal tripeds (Latin) (three feet).

Ego (I) circumambulated (walked around) him to determine if he were veracious (real). It was then that he told me that his nome (name) was Calli Polymorphous (Beautiful Manyshapes).

Calli (Beautiful) ambulated (walked) along with me and asked, in a xeno via (strange way), where the Golden Gate Bridge was. Ego (I) asked him why he wanted to cognito (know). Calli (Beautiful) said he was going to commit autocide (self killing). I told him that his idea of suicide [literal meaning] (self killing) wasn't a euthanasia (good death), but of magnum (great) danger to those who might be sub (under) the bridge. He asked if there ever was a benemortasia (good death).

Ego (I) sat cata (down) and tried to ergo ecto (work out) a solution to his maxi (big) problem and asked him to introspect (look inside) himself to see if he could come up with an alternate dromo (course) of action. Maybe we could at least come up with a less algesic via (painful way) to mortify (die).

Calli's magnum oto (Beautiful's large ear) twitched in my direction so I suggested that he use a gun and shoot mono (one) of his duo cephalos (two heads). He wasn't contro (against) my logos (words) and he invited me super (over) to his locus (place) for some conversation and an antemortem (before death) feast of phagoing adipo gatos (eating fat cats) and some ovos (eggs) with a oligo botans (few plants) for roughage.

Well, the chrono (time) came when Calli (Beauty) wanted to try out my suggestion and he took a gun and pointed it at his sinister cephalus (left head) and pulled the trigger. He had a mega (big) hole in his sinister cephalus (left head), but he wasn't in any odyno (pain). In fact, he knocked exo uni (out one) of his cacodonts (bad teeth) and as a result, he esthesioed (felt) much better. His deca cyano cyno oculs scintillated (ten dog blue eyes shined) in the umbra (shadow) as if they were astros (stars) shining through the nycti anemo (night air).

At Calli's doma (house), we sat cata (down) and had trideka (thirteen) desserts of candied apis (bees), chocolate-covered formicas (ants), and melli (honey)-soaked arachnos (spiders). They actually tasted pretty bon (good); they weren't caco (bad) at pan (all). A oligo (few) of the things we didn't have with our meal were sauros (lizards) and ophios (snakes). Now that Ego (I) think about it, we didn't have a northern ursine (bear) either. Ego (I) assumed this was because ir was exo (out) of season.

Calli took the gun a duo chrono (second time) and shot multiple chronos (many times) into the allocephalo (other head); that is, his dextrocephalo (right head); but he still could not mortify (die); in fact he biosed (lived) for another heptacentennials (seven-hundred years). At the chrono (time), however, he frowned and said, "Thanks Buddy, Ego needed your advice just as Ego need allo cranium (another head)."

Ego (I) certainly didn't lose any somni super (sleep over) his comments. In fact, I went to my spelean (cave) and fell into a barysomni (deep sleep).

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